Reality Rocks - Archive

Dancing With The Stars Finale: Welcome To The Dollhouse

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

Okay. Um, what the frig was THAT?

Anyone else find it just a little disturbing to watch Marie Osmond, who's almost 50 years old, dressed up like an animatronic babydoll--complete with ruffled bloomers, pigtails, Betty Boop eyelashes, and facepaint straight out of a Li'l Miss USA beauty pageant? While dancing to a Rolling Stones song, for some reason?

Looks like Marie is a little bit country...and a little bit crazy.

And after her freestyle routine on last night's Dancing With The Stars finale, she should have fainted again--this time from embarrassment.

Look, I get it: Marie is "one of the world's top doll designers" (according to, um, her), and she's got a whole freightload of QVC dollies to peddle by Christmastime. But this bizarre freestyle routine was NOT the best way to advertise. Because if Marie's dolls at all resemble what she looked like last night, they'd give nightmares to any poor tyke unfortunate enough to find one under the tree. Sharp-shooting Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli was right on the money when he compared her to the "Bride Of Chucky" last night.

Perhaps equally vexing was my impression that Marie's dolly routine was a just a convenient copout--an excuse to not dance with precision and perfect technique. Because ragdolls just flop around, so that's she did, basically. Because she was in character, get it? But compare Marie's floppy craziness with Helio Castroneves' dazzling moves (he really glittered last night, and not just because of his metallic gold jumpsuit), or Melanie Brown's showstopping freestyle (true, she and Maks were a bit all over the place, but Mel made up for her stylistic schizophrenia with really good technique). And it's obvious that Marie was out of her depth last night. She blew it.

At least I can give Marie props for taking a risk--though it was a foolish risk that didn't pay off--and hey, though she'll probably place third tonight, at least she'll go out with what was probably the most, er, memorable routine in Dancing With The Stars history.

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