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Idol Results Show: America, What Have You Done?

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

"What have you done?" Ryan Seacrest scolded the viewersas tonight's episode got underway...alreadygiving all us Idol-worshippers a major guilt complex over the possibility of certain worthycontenders not making the cut due to a presumed lazy lack of call-in voting.

Yo, just for the record: Ispeed-dialed and re-dialed last night until my poor little fingers were reduced to bloodied nubs. Ryan's nasty accusations should have been reserved for the producerswho thought it was a fab idea to make tonight'scontestants step-touch dance awkwardly through a hot-messy performance ofNe-Yo's "Closer." Not evenmy man Adam Lambert's superbshowmanship or Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell'sdelightfully skewed sense of humor could salvage that travesty.

Fox, what have you done?

Anyway, to start the serious part of tonight's results show, Allison Iraheta, last night's biggest surprise--an under-the-radar contestantwho broke away from the pack with an unexpectedly strong performance of Heart's "Alone"--was called to the stage. Joining her were two of last night's moreforgettable singers (and two of the singers who talked back the most to thejudges last night), bluesy smartmouth Jesse Langseth and schlubby welder Matt Breitzke.Ryan then suspensefully informed the audience that one of these three wassafe.

You know, I began to wonder if Ryan'swarning at the start of the show meant that the clearly deserving Allison had lost outto one of these two lesser opponents...but thankfully, that was not the case. Allison was in!Iraheta's on! (I would love to hearher sing Glen Frey's "The HeatIs On" as "Iraheta'sOn" during '80s Week, by theway. Just a suggestion.)

Phew, crisis averted. For now.

Next, the contestants were called up in pairs--Megan JoyCorkrey with Kris Allen, and Jeanine Vailes with Matt Giraud--and Ryan teasedthat one, and only one, of these four was through to the top 12. Again, it seemed obvious tome who'd earned the spot: Megan! Duh! But Matt and Kris certainly had theirfollowings, too. So this was a tough one to call.

One person guaranteed notto get it was the leggy but otherwise unimpressive Jeanine, who was first to get axed. Matt--who reallyblew it last night, after such a promising Hollywood Week--was the next to go. And so it came downto Kris and Megan. Judge Kara DioGuardi then inexplicably stalled for time by babbling (in an almosy eerily Paula-like manner) about bothsingers' positive attributes, while Simondramatically rolled his eyes and I even more dramatically screamed at my TV screen, hollering for Kara to shaddup andjust let Ryan get on with it.

And then finally, Ryan announced that the second slot wasgoing to...KRIS ALLEN? What?

America,what have you done?

This was the first cut of the season that really botheredme. From her first audition, Megan was my hands-down favorite female. I really thought shehad something intangibly magical and special and different, and I was sure America would agree with me here. So what was itabout her performance last night that made her lose out to someone as genericas Kris Whatshisname? Was it her goofy dancing? Did more conservative voters find hersleeve tattoos or single motherhood offputting? I don't know. And Idon't even care. I'm just mad. Mad that my favorite girl is gone toosoon, and mad that once again one of my predictions turned out wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'd like Megan to get a wild card spot next week, butyou know, there are only three wildcards, and that's not nearly enoughto go around. Too many good singers have been cut already!

Of course, as is the typical AmIdol way, Ryan's announcementof the final finalist of the evening was maddeningly stalled by a best/worst-of-Idol audition montage THAT HAD ALREADY BEENAIRED ONCE THIS SEASON, followed by a performance of the new original song"Hold Up My Heart" by last season'sBrooke White. Brooke was pretty good--she kept her usual irritating babbling to aminimum, she didn't mess up the the song andstart it over, and the tune itself was pleasant enough--but I all I cared about wasAdam and Norman's fate.

Now, with only one slot left, I knew it had to go to Adam Lambert. If he didn't get it, I wasgoing to be in such a foul mood that my friends, family, and co-workers wouldbe wise to stay the heck out of my way for a few days while I cooled down. Oh man,the outrage I felt over Megan'selimination would be NOTHING compared to my reaction if Adam got axed. But Iwas definitely saddened that with two slots already spoken for tonight, that meantthat my other favorite in this week'sbatch, Norman/Nick, had pretty much zero chance of making the top 12.

You know, therewas a teensy part of me that hoped the final spot would go to Norman--because if Adam didn'tmake it, it was pretty much a given that the judges would eagerly bring him back as a wildcard, but Simon Cowell would never, ever let Norman return once he'd happily gotten rid of him. So this was Norman'sonly shot. But ultimately, I had to root for the best man to win, and there wasno question that Adam was in a league of his own last night. No othercontestant even came close to the brilliance, charisma, and seasoned professionalismof Adam's "Satisfaction" performance, so I knew I'dget no satisfaction unless he made it.

So finally the remaining five singers were summoned for judgment,with footnotes Mishavonna Henson, Kai Kalama, and Jasmine Murray barely havinga chance to walk to the stage before Ryan instructed them to turn right around andwalk away again. And keep on walking. No shock there. And so, my heart wasbreaking as I saw the only two remaining contestants, Norman and Adam, standing there withonly one top 12 spot between them.

What a Sophie'schoice! Come on--if Idol can havefour judges this season, why couldn'tit have four finalists tonight? Or couldn'tMichael Sarver or Kris Allen just get disqualified under some loopholey technicality (like how about "No Boring Singers Allowed"), so both Adam and Norman couldmake it? Please???

But 'twas not meant to be: Norman didn'tmake it, folks. Gentle went gently into that good night. Norman started a joke, which started the whole world (or hey, at least me) crying when he was voted off tonight. Sigh.

But my grief overNorman's (and my) loss was quicklyeased by Adam's rightful victoryand his white-hawt reprise of last night'swinning "Satisfaction" performance, complete with skinny-Elvislipcurls and Axl Rose-style scream-singing. Just stop the competition now. There's noneed to have 12 more contestants sing, really. That would just be a waste oftime, in my opinion, because Adam has already totally won this whole thing.

But of course, 12 more people are singing next week. It'sa fairly weak dozen next Tuesday--Lil'Rounds and Nathaniel Marshall are the only true standouts for me, making me wishNorman had competed next week, when he might have actually had a genuine chance. But nextThursday's wild card episode willhopefully keep things interesting. FYI, I'llbe writing a separate blog later about the singers I'dlike to see come back on that show (and yes, Normanis among them--a girl can dream, can'tshe?).

But until then, I'm just goingto go on YouTube and watch Norman's "And I Am Telling You" performanceover and over. And over. The subsequent laughter will surely ease my pain.

 

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