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Idol Update: Reality Rocks’ Official Male Pick

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

Well, the final 12 boys sang for their suppers on American Idol last night, and after putting Josiahgate behind me and giving this important matter my considerable, completely unbiased attention, I am ready to annouce my pick among the males. Drumroll, please...

DANNY NORIEGA!

Yes, I know what some of you must be thinking. Even I will admit that Danny wasn't the strongest singer last night. Sure, he spazzed out, he sassed back, and with Elvis The Pelvis's "Jailhouse Rock," he made a questionable song choice. But there's one unquestionable thing about my Danny boy: He is FIERCE!

Yes, Danny Noriega is to American Idol as Christian Siriano is to Project Runway. He's pure TV dynamite wrapped up in a tiny little skinny-jeaned, Lego-haired, Valley-Girl-accented, 98-pound package. He's funny, fabulous, and fierce, fierce, fierce. He's like Jon Peter Lewis without the pen-salesman outfit. Or like Sanjaya with talent. (Just imagine all the hairstyles Danny could rock this season--bring on the fauxhawk, baby!) So I want to see more of this kid.

Look, the bottom line is I have to watch this show week after week in order to blog about it (not that anyone's twisting my arm--I admit I'm unhealthily obsessed--but still). Therefore I want to be ENTERTAINED. This means I don't want to see forgettable grandpas like Luke(warm) Menard and aspiring Pat Boone impersonator Jason "Moon River" Yeager. I don't want to see Daughtry wannabe Robbie Carrico continually and unconvincingly protest that he's really a red-blooded rocker and "not a pop singer" (while incriminating clips of him in his Sun-In-streaked, Britney-dating days with prefab teen-pop group Boyz N Girlz United keep showing up on YouTube). I don't want to see Chikeze's wedding-singer schtick (though I admit his bug-eyed tiff with Simon last night was somewhat amusing, so I wouldn't mind him sticking around for a couple more weeks). And I'm already even sick of hyped-to-death, too-cute-for-his-own-good Star Search alum David Archuleta. C'mon, Archuleta's not that great. He's not even remotely fierce!

By the way, it should be noted that Danny Noriega is VoteForTheWorst.com's pick as well--for a reason sort of similar to mine (i.e., his indisputable fierceness). But I actually think Danny has talent. More like Vote For The BEST, all right?

Oh, I do have a few honorable mentions here:

I admit Michael Johns is hotter than a thousand Australian summers. He's possibly the sexiest Jim Morrison impressionist named Michael to emerge from the land of Oz since INXS's Hutchence. (Look, I'm a chick and I have fully functioning eyes and hormones, so I cannot ignore this fact.) I'm sure many female viewers agree with me and would like to (ahem) go Down Under with Mr. Johns.

Jason Castro is another fave of mine. Along with his Paul Newmanish, Windex-blue eyes and elusive "X-factor" charisma, he plays guitar (that impresses me, as he was the only male to pick up an instrument last night), and he is unique to the competition. Plus Jason C. has better tresses than fellow longhair Robbie Carrico, a man whose constant clinging to his extensive array of bandannas and beanies makes him look like he recently raided Rock Of Love bachelor Bret Michaels' closet.

Actually, speaking of hair, the Sanjaya Effect is in full force this season, as many of the boys are sporting some pretty interesting 'dos. (Simon Cowell even quipped that the males need to spend more time holding a mic and less time holding a hairbrush. Or something like that.) For instance, there's David Cook, the guy with the haircut/argyle sweater-vest of Blake Lewis and the voice of Constantine, who is another standout for me. I look forward to seeing more solid pop-rock performances and more Manic Panic hair streaks from David C. in the coming weeks, should he make it through.

Colton Berry is sort of the blonde Danny Noriega--sideswept emo combover hair, theater background, unabashed jazz-hands performance style. This means I like him, though I'm afraid all the Kyle Ensley supporters will still unfairly blame him for Kyle's untimely elimination (during the finalists' selection, it came down to the Kyle and Colton for spot #24, and Colton was the last to squeak by). Anyway, I'd like to see more of Colton before I rule him out, though in the long run there may not be room for Danny and Colton in this competition.

And finally, there's lushly coiffed little Garrett Haley--or Leif Garrett Haley, as I prefer to call him. (For the record, I noticed Garrett's resemblance to '70s heartthrobs like Leif and Peter Frampton long before Ryan Seacrest pointed it out. Seriously, flip open any vintage '70s issue of Tiger Beat and you'll see a pinup of a sun-kissed, corduroy-sheathed, feather-coiffed Garrett Haley clone in there, with a staple right through his concave navel.) Unfortunately, Garrett Haley doesn't sing much better than Leif Garrett, judging from the ONE time he's been featured on Idol, which was last night. (The boy was frustratingly omitted from all of the early audition and Hollywood Week episodes.) But despite his underwhelming performance last night and obvious stagefright, he's a cutie and a sweetheart, and with hair like that he might be the little girlies' pick--just like cute, sweet, vocally challenged Sanjaya last year.

Basically, the female 'tween vote will probably keep Jason Castro, David Cook, David Archuleta, Michael Johns, Colton Berry, and Garrett Haley in the running. And the Reality Rocks vote and VoteForTheWorst contingent will hopefully keep Danny Noriega on for a while as well!

And with that, all I have left to say is...GO DANNY!!! And come back tomorrow for my official pick among the ladies.

For more on Idol's final 24, go to Yahoo! TV.

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