Reality Rocks - Archive

Mama Said Bach You Out

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

Regular Reality Rocks readers are probably wondering why this blog's been so dormant lately. Like, how could I let three weeks' worth of Rock Of Love and Kimora: Life In The Fab Lane pass by with nary a peep? How could I remain mum about the So You Think You Can Dance finale? Well folks, worry not--my cable wasn't cut off or anything like that. No, I've just been on vacation in England, the motherland that exported the original Pop Idol and Big Brother concepts as well as the likes of Simon Cowell, Cat Deely, Nigel Lythgowe, and Gordon Ramsay to our fair shores. But now I'm back, and though I caught a nasty cold on the plane home that has left me bedridden (or, more accurately, sofa-ridden) since my return, in a way this has turned out to be a good thing, as my illness has given me a perfectly legitimate excuse to lie around watching the 17 hours of fine reality TV programming that accumulated on my TiVo while I was abroad.

So now I'm happy to say that I'm completely caught up on Rock Of Love (seriously, HOW could Bret choose devil Lacey over angel Sam?), Mission: Manband (is it just me, or are those Sureshot chumps such subpar singers, they'd never make it pass round 1 of the American Idol auditions?), and So You Think You Can Dance (dude, Danny was ROBBED). But while I was vegging out on the couch doing this, um, completely work-related "research," my remote-control stumbled upon a new show that just may be THE most brain-deadedly awesome show to watch when one has a cold. That show, my fellow flu-suffering friends, is MTV's Celebrity Rap Superstar. And it makes me proud to be back in the good ole U.S. of A., the country that produced such a fine program.

Yes, this new hip-hop "talent" show truly perfects the celebs-making-asses-(or, as they say in England, arses)-of-themselves formula, a formula pioneered by such shows as Dancing With The Stars, Skating With Celebrities, But Can They Sing?, and Celebrity Duets. Basically, it tosses together a bunch of D-listers (Shar Jackson, the dude who played Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite, some Playboy Playmate, a guy from Laguna Beach, etc.) and a strangely high quotient of Celebrity Fit Club alumni, who then attempt to rap under the tutelage of expert MCs...and, well, hilarity ensues!

Seriously, whoever created this show is a genius worthy of a Lifetime Achievement Emmy, regardless or whether or not he/she ever creates another television show in his/her lifetime. I mean, Perez Hilton performing Chingy's "Right Thurr," after being mentored by Tone Loc? Celebrity judge Da Brat complimenting Shar Jackson by saying, "Now your kids can say, 'At least my mom knows how to rap"? Bubba Sparxxx trying to teach that Laguna Beach loser a Chamillionaire song? If that's not genius, I don't know what is. And I don't think it's just the extra-strength NyQuil pumping through my system right now that's making me say that. Honestly!

But the best, most YouTube-able Celebrity Rap Superstar clip of the week came courtesy of Sebastian Bach, former star of another one of my favorite-ever reality shows, VH1's Supergroup. Yes, the Savage Animal was back in fine form this week, screeching and hyper-ventilating and hair-flipping and fist-pumping his way through a knockout rendition of LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out," in the process even impressing one of the original Kings Of Rock, celebrity judge DMC. It was probably the most scraping-jaw-off-floor reality TV rock performance since Dee Snider and Hal Sparks collaborated on Celebrity Duets...or at least since Sanjaya Malakar destroyed that Kinks classic on American Idol. Kurupt did a good job mentoring this guy.

So, regardless of my health status in the coming weeks, you can bet I'll be carving out some quality couch time to tune in and see what hip-hop hit (maybe an angsty, chest-thumping, head-banging version of "Parents Just Don't Understand"?) Sebastian takes on next. Watch this space...

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