Reality Rocks - Archive

‘Rock Of Love’ Reunion Show: Don’t Threaten Me With A Bad Time

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

OK, while it's good it see that former Headbangers' Ball VJ Riki Rachtman is getting work again, last night's Rachtman-hosted Rock Of Love reunion special was nothin' but a bad time.

And that's not just because viewers were forced to hear Lacey "sing" with her beleagured band, Nocturne. (Note to Lacey: don't quit your day job...whatever your day job may be.)

And it's not just because one of the season's most, um, intoxicating characters, Tiffany, got absolutely zero face time. I mean, even Big John gave her a second chance...so why was she conspicuously ignored throughout the reunion? Boo!

And it's not because none of the girls who were prematurely cut from the show--and (unlike Tiffany) compliantly reboarded the bus during the first five minutes of episode 1--didn't get their opportunity to exact revenge on gatekeeper Big John. How come they weren't invited to this reunion?

And it's not even because Bret Michaels and Jes apparently split up. After all, by now viewers are fairly used to most reality-TV couples going their separate ways pretty much as soon as the cameras switch off. We all remember Flavor Flav and Hoopz, Flavor Flav and Deelishis, New York and Tango, almost any couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, etc. C'mon, people--did anyone reading this really think Bret and Jes were going to live happily ever after? Man, if you believed they would, then I have a couple of Nocturne albums and some of Rodeo's BBQ sauce to sell you, too.

No, let me tell you the real reason last night's reunion show was a bigger letdown than the albums Poison made without CC DeVille: It's because Bret Michaels was revealed to be a commitment-phobic jerkface.

Forgive me for lapsing into Bitter Single Woman mode here, but last night Jes hypothesized that cold-footed Bret had chosen her over Heather because his connection with Heather was more genuine and Heather was more ready for a real relationship. And Bret AGREED with Jes's theory! He actually admitted that since he'd just come out of a serious relationship, he probably wasn't ready to jump into another commitment, and had therefore been too scared to take the plunge with Heather. He didn't really want to be with a woman who loved him enough to tattoo his name on her neck.

Bastard.

Ladies, have you heard this "it's not you, it's me" BS before? Men suck! Especially men who sing lead for '80s hair-metal bands!

Given Bret's inability to recognize a perfectly good woman even when she's standing right in front of him with her double-D breasts thrust forward and her hair teased to the ceiling, I have serious misgivings about him starring in a season of Rock Of Love 2. No, NOT even if Heather comes back, like New York did in Flavor Of Love 2.

Instead, I suggest VH1 shoot a Rock Of Love 2 starring another newly unattached rocker dude. How about Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, or Richie Sambora? They're all single and ready to mingle, I'm sure...

View Comments