Reality Rocks - Archive

Saaphyri Gets An Extreme Makeover

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

So I watched the Charm School reunion show last night, and there's a lot I could write about. But just in case that whole Mo'Nique meltdown was legit and not some staged ratings-grabbing ploy, I will refrain from being too snarky. I do have to point out, though, that her sob-choked soliloquy at the end of the broadcast was probably the only time that the names "Larissa" and "Harriet Tubman" have been, or ever will be, uttered in the same sentence.

I could also bitch about how there was no Brooke/Leilene rematch (preferably one abetted by a wrestling ring filled with Jell-O, to draw in male viewers); no update on whether Brooke is still schtupping Mr. Boston; no temper tantrums from Rain; no cat-in-heat "singing" from the mysteriously absent Krazy; no further sordid details about the ill-advised joke that got the hand-biting Courtney kicked off Mo'Nique's tour bus; not a peep out of the typically mouthy Darra or Cristal; and--worst of all--no FLAVOR FLAV! Didn't he want to come back and see if any of his previous castoffs had become more "hittable" post-Charm School?

But anyway, instead I will focus on the positive: My girl Saaphyri's continuing transformation from ass-whupping Flavor Of Love exile to truly poised Pretty Woman. Seriously, is it just me, or did Saaphyri look kind of hittable herself last night? Gone was the fuchsia-streaked weave (if her old hair cost $800--as she claimed long ago on Flavor Of Love 2, episode 1--then her sleek new extensions must have set her back $8,000). Gone was the helium-squeaky trash talk. Gone were the cheapo mall duds that even thrift store Out Of The Closet didn't want to take off her hands. Her complexion and teeth were glowing like she'd spent some of her 50 grand on Creme De La Mer and a BriteSmile session or two, and she even looked like she'd dropped a few pounds. Man, Flav must be kicking himself.

I just hope Saaphyri can keep up this new-and-improved lifestyle of hers. Seriously, $50,000 isn't that much, especially after taxes. First of all, I live in the burst-resistant housing bubble of L.A., so I know for a fact that $50,000 ain't enough for a decent down payment on any condo, not even one smack on the corner of 54th & Crenshaw.

So that's not going to leave much left over to fund Saaphyri's new lipchap empire or hair-centric humanitarian endeavors (both of which I have serious doubts about, considering the subpar cosmetics-marketing skills she demonstrated on Charm School's "Big Stink" perfume episode). Hell, the woman doesn't even have a steady source of income anymore, now that she's stopped doing weaves at the Back To The Naps salon!

But anyway, I wish Saaphyri luck on her mission to give back and make the world a better place, one hairweave at a time. I suggest she start by making over Larissa's mom...

By the way, it's probably inevitable that there will be a second season of Charm School. There's already an I Love New York 2 in the works, after all, and I'm still dreaming of spinoff Bachelor-style dating shows called Second Chance and I Love Boston (respectively starring Chance and Mr. Boston, of course). So, in anticipation of Charm School 2, I nominate the following Flavor Of Love delinquents for the Class Of 2008. May they follow in Saaphyri's proud, Ugg-booted footsteps:

Krazy - She needs to return and enroll in remedial vocal lessons.

Nibblz - This webcam wannabe needs to take some strippercize pole-dancing classes from an expert P.E. Leilene!

Rain - That girl just needs to be held back a grade.

Red Oyster - Because, as we learned long ago from 21 Jump Street, every school needs a good narc.

Somethin' - Yes, bring her back...just as long as her curriculum allows for regular bathroom breaks!

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