Reality Rocks - Archive

The Next Lame American Band

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

This week on The Next Great American Band, celebrity judge Sheila E. was driven to tears. Ostensibly, she was emotionally moved by the Clark Brothers' poignant rendition of "You're In My Heart" (it was Rod Stewart Week, see)...but really, she should have be sobbing because weakest-link bands Dot Dot Dot and Denver & The Mile High Orchestra somehow survived another elimination round. I know this week's results had me reaching for the Kleenex.

Seriously, WHO is voting for these two bands?

I suppose I understand why Denver & The Mile High Orchestra keep making it through--they practically have more members than the Polyphonic Spree and the Arcade Fire combined, so if every orchestra-mate's relatives and friends vote, that's a purely numerical advantage right there. But really now, these guys are so whitebread that that execs over at Wonder Bread HQ are saying, "I don't know, I don't think this band is edgy enough..." And no, their attempts at hipsterness (abbreviating their name to the oh-so-snazzy "DMHO" and adding a few more dollops of Dippity-Do to lounge singer Denver's army-regulation haircut) are not enough.

It's bad enough that this glorified wedding band plays retro-swing music that went out of favor soon after the Gap sold out of its last pair of khakis in 1998. But c'mon, Denver admitted on the air that his single biggest musical influence is HUEY LEWIS. Huey Lewis! Apparently Denver picked up a copy of Sports and it blew his damn mind; he had an epiphany and thought, "This is the music I was meant to do."

Gee, thanks, Huey. And to think, back in the '80s we thought it was all the heavy metal bands that were leading the nation's youth astray. Turns out it was Huey all along!

America, DMHO cannot win. We don't need another Huey Lewis. It is NOT hip to be square, people! Just let these hacks get kicked off so they can return to the lucrative corporate-party circuit where they belong, before the holiday season is over.

Dot Dot Dot's continuing cockroach-like tenacity is equally troubling. They dress like they just looted Hot Topic; they all look about 48 (because let's face it, all that heavy Panic At The Disco! makeup isn't flattering on anyone over the age of 19); their Leno-chinned, overly guylinered, constantly mugging lead singer performs with all the subtlety of, say, Carrot Top on a Red Bull bender; they have the stupidest hair this side of Ryan Cabrera; and if they star in one more "wacky" montage in which they run around like the Monkees on bad crack, I'm going to pull my own hair out. STOP VOTING FOR THEM, AMERICA!

So because these two bands mysteriously made it through, one of my fave The Next Great American Band contestants, '60s-ish garage rockers Tres Bien, got the (Chelsea) boot this week. Tres mal! It would've been great to see the little Tres Bien mod boys take on Rod The Mod this week, but instead I had to suffer through Dot Dot Dot's cheesier-than-Cheetos version of "Young Turks" and DMHO's dorky "Baby Jane," while imagining what Tres Bien's interpretation of "Handbags & Gladrags" might've sounded like. Sigh.

I'm just relieved that my absolute faves, preteen hair-rockers Light Of Doom, survived--though it broke my heart when it came down to them and Tres Bien. I just hope Light Of Doom don't get voted off next week (after their kickass performance of "Infatuation" this week, that seems unlikely...but you never know). Because if they do, I'm boycotting this frickin' show.

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