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Spencer Pratt Is The Future

My knowledge of Spencer Pratt runs neither deep nor wide. It's arguable that given the subject matter, nobody's knowledge of Spencer Pratt is particularly deep or wide. There aren't exactly a lot of intellectual depths to plumb there, folks.

But this much is clear: Pratt, who is famous for his ability to be famous (via MTV reality show The Hills and more recently, NBC's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here), is getting into the rap game. With help from Lil Wayne and Fabolous producer Steve Morales, Heidi Montag's (better? worse?) other half is working on an album (as yet untitled) due for release by the end of the year. The first single, cleverly titled "I'm A Celebrity," is out now.

Jay-Z has nothing to worry about. Over a tinny beat, Pratt, 25, exhibits all the flow of wet cement as he raps without wit, charm, or style about money ("I get paid / I don't volunteer"), fame ("I'm on your iPhone / Taking over Blackberries / Me not famous? / Whoa that's scary"), and his ever-present haters ("Counting on the haters / Every day to keep me going").

"Celebrity's" bland braggadocio makes it too boring to hate, and that's bad news for Pratt. Whether on his frequently updated Twitter feed, his various TV appearances, or in online and print interviews, the subject of "haters" constitutes at least half of what this joker talks about. What would he do without them?

To be sure, there is something deeply off-putting about Pratt's transparent need for attention and persistent self-aggrandizing (he told, "I've always known that I secretly am the hottest rapper in the game"). There's even something irksome about his wispy blond beard. (Actually, is it going to far to suggest that his patchy facial scruff is symptomatic of his sense of entitlement? Dude, you cannot grow a beard. Don't fake it.)

Where will Pratt end up? He will always be chasing the next attention high. He will always be fishing for re-Tweets. And in five years, if the next social networking fad involves transmitting messages by poop, he will butt his way to the head of the line, open up, and say "ahhh." Come to think of it, Spencer Pratt is the celebrity canary in the new media coalmine. I suspect people have different feelings about whether or not they want him to come up alive.

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