Stop The Presses!

July 23-30: Britney & Lindsay Are Not OK

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Just last week in this very column, we were a) praising Lindsay Lohan for staying clean and sober, and b) lamenting the fact that Lindsay's on/off party pal and a usually endless source of blog fodder, Britney Spears, had done nothing worth writing about. Well, look what a difference seven days make!

Yes, these two "ladies" have much in common (they've both recorded songs with the words "Broken Heart" in the title; they both have a penchant for pantylessness; they both exhibit a resiliently Amy Winehouse-esque resistance to rehab), and have therefore occupied countless pixels of page space in past editions of That's Really Week. And now they're baaaa-aaack!

First, let's start with Lindsay (who, just for the record, is in NO way related to or affiliated with the Lyndsey writing this blog, got it?). Seems the "Rumors" singer took her role in the ironically yet aptly titled Fully Loaded a little too literally this week, when she reportedly got involved in a high-speed car chase with her former personal assistant's mom. A chase that ended with her being booked for drunk driving and cocaine possession. D'oh! But you know, there might be a perfectly good explanation why Lindsay was in such hot vehicular pursuit. For instance, she's been rocking that trendy alcohol-detection bracelet lately (which seems to be doing its job--after all, it obviously helped her detect where alcohol was being served!). And those things are heavy. So if she was wearing that bit of court-appointed bling on her right ankle at the time of her arrest, that might easily account for her lead-footed driving style. And maybe, just maybe, Lindsay's claim that the cocaine was planted on her--or, more specifically, in her pants--is true too. Because we all know getting into Lindsay's pants isn't the hardest thing in the world to do. Heh heh.

Oh, and by the way, for those of you who balk at the inclusion of Lindsay in a week-in-music wrapup, we'll have you know that L.Lo has recorded two not-entirely-critically-panned albums. Just FYI.

All right, moving on to the at-times-critically-panned Britney, who--amid (still unsubstantiated but not entirely implausible) tabloid rumors that she is pregnant with baby number three--suffered through what was perhaps her worst public relations snafu since last year's gum-chomping, bra-flaunting, fake-eyelash-shedding, nose-wiping Dateline interview. See, at this week's photo shoot for OK! magazine, the poop hit the fan--or, more specifically, the dress--when Britters let her Yorkshire terrier puppy defecate all over a $6,700 Zac Posen gown. And then when it was Brit's time to answer nature's call, she did so with the bathroom door WIDE OPEN. Talk about a crappy PR move!

She also wiped her chicken-greased hands on another designer dress, then fled from the shoot early with more than $14,000 of "borrowed" clothes, according to OK! editor-in-chief Sarah Ivens (who described the entire spectacle as "definitely the most bizarre shoot I've ever been on"). Guess Britney's still in the zone...the CRAZY zone!

Speaking of craziness, or of musicians who've had brushes with the law...that brings us to the best piece of news we've come across this week, and possibly in all of 2007 so far: R. KELLY IS COMING OUT WITH 10 MORE CHAPTERS OF "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET"! R. KELLY IS COMING OUT WITH 10 MORE CHAPTERS OF "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET"! Gee, can you tell we're excited? Yes, Britney and Lindsay's stories may be fascinating and all, but they can't even begin to compare with Kelly's hip-hoperatic saga of closeted clergymen, wife-swapping cops, and mistress midgets named Bridget. And apparently the next 10 "Trapped" installments will take everything to a truly ludicrous new level, with the ever-versatile Kelly taking on multiple roles, including that of a Jheri-curled preacher and a potbellied, fake-bearded old man named Randolph.

You know, "Trapped" chapters 1-12 may have been passed over for the Best Longform Video award at this year's Grammys (seriously, "Trapped" really was nominated), but we've got a feeling chapters 13-22 will take home the prize in 2008. We'll make sure of it, even if we have to pull a Soy Bomb and go protest at the Grammy ceremony in person...

All right, much like Britney and her dignity (or Lindsay and her dignity, etc.), we must split. But do come back next Friday to see if anyone other than L.Lo and Brit made headlines, and until then, goodnight, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) How L.Lo Can You Go? - Supposedly rehabbed starlet Lindsay Lohan is arrested for drunk driving and cocaine possession.

2) Britney Spears Is Not OK - Her behavior at an OK Magazine photo shoot is positively toxic.

3) Kelly Clarkson Apologizes To Clive Davis - Apparently being signed to BMG means always having to say you're sorry.

4) Beyonce: Dangerously In Heels - The stiletto-shod diva stumbles onstage in Orlando.

5) R. Kelly Goes Back In The Closet - Ten more chapters in his "Trapped" saga are headed straight to DVD!

6) Ja Rule & Lil' Wayne Arrested In Same Week - Conveniently (and surely coincidentally, right?), it's the week before they release a new joint single.

7) Mindy McCready Arrested For Probation Violation - Now this cowgirl's really got the blues.

8) You Can Stand Under Her Umbrella (Ella, Ella, Ella) - You knew it was coming: Rihanna's launching her own line of designer umbrellas.

9) Posh Spice Brings Her Zig-A-Zig-Ah To The States - The Beckhams have finally invaded America

10) Usher Engagement Called Off - The R&B star is no longer getting married to his boo.

written by Lyndsey Parker 7/30/07

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