Stop The Presses!

July 30-August 6: Love On The Rocks, Ain’t No Surprise

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Perhaps not since that bug-eyed Runaway Bride was in the news has a last-minute wedding cancellation captured the nation's attention like that of Usher and his off/on (and now supposedly still on?) pregnant fiancee, Tameka Foster. The R&B it-couple were supposed to marry last Saturday in a ceremony at record mogul L.A. Reid's Hamptons home, with blue-eyed soulman Robin Thicke providing the entertainment at the reception...and then, just hours before the nuptials were set to take place, they were called off without explanation, thus gipping Mr. Thicke out of a good-paying gig and immediately stirring up rampant tabloid speculation. Some said it was because Usher's mama (and recently fired "momager"), Jonnetta Patton, was none too fond of Usher's allegedly Yoko-like babymama. Some claimed that Usher's godfather, Ben Vereen of Webster/Roots fame, was also objecting to the union. But what is the real story? Inquiring minds still want--nay, demand--to know, because Usher and his boo are not talking, dang it. Guess that's their right--you know, to have private personal lives and all--but it's still, well, annoying. We do know that Tameka reportedly checked into a hospital last weekend, so it's quite possible that had something to do with it. But word is she and her unborn Usherette are doing just fine, and that the wedding will be rescheduled. We just hope Robin Thicke will still be available. Wedding singers like him book up fast!

In other news involving babies and troubled couples, not since Dan Quayle was still attacking Candice Bergen has there raged such a red-hot Murphy-Brown paternity feud as the one that continues between Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and her ex, Eddie Murphy. For months Eddie denied he was the father of Mel's new baby Spice, Angel Iris, but now that a blood test has confirmed that the Daddy Day Care star is indeed the daddy, Scary has zig-a-zig-ah'd her way straight back to court to try to scare up some child support. After all, baby needs a new pair of platform shoes! And by the way, Melanie has hired limelight-hogging attorney and wannabe celeb Gloria Allred to fight this good fight, so Eddie should be scared indeed.

And in yet more troubled-couple news, it's the end of an era, y'all: Britney and K-Fed are legally dunzo. We know, we know...after the Usher wedding panic and the rapid fizzling-out of Mel 'n' Eddie's fairytale romance, learning that the Spears-Federline divorce is now final is enough to shake anyone's faith in true love, ours included. And as bizarre as it may sound--and trust us, we never, ever thought we'd even think these words, let alone post them for all the virtual world to see--we here at That's Really Week were actually beginning to hope that this chaotic couple would patch things up. Sure, when Britney first revealed last year that she was dumping the artist occasionally known as Fed-Ex (totally upstaging every single political candidate running for office at the time, as this announcement came on Election Day), we were beyond psyched. Britney was looking radiant and blondely bobbed on Letterman, announcing plans for a long-overdue new album with superproducers like Pharrell Williams and Timbaland at the helm, etc...it seemed like we finally had our old Brit back. But no, instead it turned out that rumors of her cleaned-up comeback were greatly exaggerated, because soon the newly single Brit was whooping it up with bad-influence party pals like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, saying no no no to rehab, shaving her head in a Syd Barrett-like meltdown, and wielding umbrellas in a manner that neither Mary Poppins nor Rihanna would ever condone. Sheesh--it seriously made us long for the days when the worst Britney did was tongue-wrestle with Madonna, enter into 57-hour Vegas marriages, and paddle around barefoot in gas station restrooms. Meanwhile, the post-breakup Kevin managed to stay on his best behavior, keeping a low profile except for starring in a silly Super Bowl commercial and "focusing on being the best parent that he can be," according to his lawyer. So, gawd help us, we actually started to think that K-Fed might good for Britney! Gasp! Who'd a thunk? But sadly, now that the ink has dried on the Spederline divorce papers, it seems our dream of a Britney/Kevin reconciliation--and of a second season of Chaotic--has dried up too. Sigh.

Finally, after all this Debbie Downer-esque news about broken hearts and broken homes, it's good to see that one woman is still standing steadfastly by her man. Or, more specifically, by her man's manhood. That woman is country diva Faith Hill, who really seemed ready to throw down after a female fan boldly groped the nether regions of Faith's faithful hubby, Tim McGraw, at a recent Louisiana concert. "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend," Faith barked at the fondling fan, displaying the type of anger she usually reserves for occasions when Carrie Underwood beats her out at awards shows. "You don't go grabbin' somebody's husband's [privates], you understand me? That's very disrespectful!" All we can say is...you go, Faith! If only Britney had displayed such protective loyalty to K-Fed, those two might still be together and making not-so-beautiful music today.

All right, much like Britney and Kevin, Melanie and Eddie, and possibly Usher and Tameka, we must split. But do come back next Friday for more amusing, confusing, and downright excitement-oozing news, Until then, goodnight, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Usher Still Saying "Yeah" To Marriage? - He claims his wedding to Tameka Foster will be rescheduled.

2) Divorce Me Baby, One More Time - Britney's officially available, fellas.

3) If You Wanna Be Her Lover... - You'll end up paying Melanie Brown a whole lot in child support.

4) Faith Hill Stands By Her Man's Manhood - She berates a fan for copping a feel off her husband.

5) Mama, I'm Coming To The Hospital - Ozzy Osbourne ungergoes surgery.

6) Calling Dr. Love - Kiss's Paul Stanley is suffering from heart problems.

7) Scarlett Johansson's Music Not Lost In Translation - Her producer says her debut album just might win a Grammy.

8) Gwen Stefani's Not-So-Sweet Escape To Malaysia - Muslim students protest her first-ever concert in Kuala Lumpur

9) Also-Ran Idol Corey Clark Booked On Drug Charges - And we thought he couldn't get arrested these days!

10) Stevie Wonder Signs, Seals, Delivers - He agrees to do his first tour since 1995.

written by Lyndsey Parker 8/4/07

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