Stop The Presses!

June 30-July 6: Nicole & Joel’s Immaculate Conception

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Joel Madden's life just got a whole loss less simple.
Well, it looks like Christina Aguilera picked the wrong week to announce she's pregnant with her first child. Why, you ask? Because her happy news was totally eclipsed by the much more astounding revelation that Hilary Duff's ex, Joel Madden of Good Charlotte, has managed to impregnate his seemingly impregnable rebound girlfriend, Nicole Richie. (Let's face it, Nicole's so borderline-anorexic, it's surprising she even had a regular menstrual cycle these days.) Wow, Joel must be more fertile than even Kevin Federline. You know, we'd like to congratulate NiJoel (that's the affectionate/annoying nickname we've officially bestowed upon this It Couple). But after reviewing achival footage from season 4 of The Simple Life (the season in which Nicole and Paris Hilton attempted to become domestic goddesses, but--surprise!--failed miserably), we're not so sure that Nicole is mommy material. (Nicole, serving as "surrogate" mom for a normal American family, brought the wrong child home from a party, among many other maternal mistakes). Sheesh. Guess Joel really knew what he was talking about when his band wrote the song "The Young And The Hopeless"...

Britney: Paranoid with a parasol.
Meanwhile, speaking of Kevin Federline, his estranged missus Britney Spears has used some sort of vaguely Freaky Friday-ish excuse for her recent bizarre umbrella-wielding behavior, claiming in a handwritten note that she was "preparing a character for a possible movie role where the husband doesn't play his part so they swap places." Wow, who knew Britney was such a devoted student of the Robert DeNiro school of method acting? Brit then adds, "Unfortunately I didn't get the part; I'm sorry I got all carried away with my role!" Oh well. Maybe this can explain that head-shaving scandal, too: Perhaps Britney was just getting into character for a V For Vendetta audition. And maybe her pantyless crotch-flashing was all part of some plan to star in Basic Instinct 3. Yeah, it all makes sense now...

''Kate, come back! I miss you! And I left some, um, stuff in your purse that I need to get back right away!''
Speaking of making sense, Kate Moss has finally come to her senses and dumped her rocker boyfriend, Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. In the past, Kate's forgiven Pete for his many, many little slip-ups, which include, in no particular order: punching a female reporter in the head; staging a fake photo session in which he pretended to inject an unconscious girl with drugs; spraying MTV cameramen with a syringe of his own blood; getting arrested on numerous occasions (he went for a personal best--or worst--on 1/26/06, when he was nabbed by police three times in one day); losing his record deal; and, oh yeah, dragging Kate into a cocaine scandal that cost her untold millions in lost contracts with H&M, Burberry, and Chanel. But this week's latest Doherty drug-related arrest, along with rumors of his recent infidelity, was apparently the straw that broke the supermodel's back. And so, PeteMoss is no more...

Hannah vs. Kelly: Which side are you on?
Finally, if there's anything we like blogging about more than K-Fed and Pete Doherty, it's feuds. Come on, who doesn't love a good feud? No one, that's who. Fiddy vs. the Game, the Killers vs. the Bravery, Hawthorne Heights vs. Victory Records, Paris vs. Nicole, McCartney vs. McCartney, Pete vs. Kate...all of these famous feuds have received a few pixels of blog space in the past. So we're starting a fake feud of our own: Hannah Montana vs. Kelly Clarkson. Mind you, as far as we know, Kelly has no beef with Miss Montana (aka tween thespian Miley Cyrus, aka Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter). But we're so flabbergasted that Hannah's album just debuted at #1, while Kelly's My December stalled at #2, that we feel like stirring up some prefab controversy. So get on that message board, readers! Start an apples-vs.-oranges feud already! And hey, if Ryan Adams fans want to get involved in the mudslinging too, that's fine by us, since his new album debuted at #7...

All right, much like Pete and Kate, we must split. But come back next Friday, and until then, goodnight, and good music...

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Nicole Richie Now Eating For, Um, One - The Simple Life star is preggers with Joel Madden's lovechild.

2) Xtina Xpecting - Meanwhile, it's also confirmed that reformed dirrty girl Christina Aguilera is going to be a mom.

3) You Can Stand Under Her Umbrella (Ella, Ella Ella...) - Britney Spears apologizes to the paparazzi for that unfortunate umbrella incident.

4) There Will Be Dancing On The Sand In Rio, After All - A judge allows Al Gore's Live Earth concert to go on as planned in Brazil.

5) Kate Moss Reportedly Dumps Pete Doherty - Guess his 37th cocaine-possession arrest was the final straw, so to speak.

6) Kelly Clarkson Teams With Her Idol - Reba McEntire's husband is now her new manager.

7) Time's Up For Timbaland? - The super-producer threatens to quit the music biz.

8) Justin Timberlake & 50 Cent Really Bringing Sexy Back - The two collaborate on a song about porn.

9) Snoop Dogg's Career Goes Down Under - He campaigns to become an Australian citizen.

10) Amy Winehouse Suffering From "Exhaustion" - Maybe she should stop saying "no, no, no" to rehab already.

written by Lyndsey Parker 7/6/07

View Comments