Stop The Presses!

May 12-19: The Simpsons’ Sibling Rivalry & Revelry

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Man, it's been a rough couple of years for Jessica Simpson. First she split from her husband and Newlyweds costar, Nick Lachey--who wasted no time rebounding into the arms of Vanessa Minnillo and releasing a breakup-themed solo album that easily outsold Jessica's post-divorce flop, A Public Affair. Then she split from her own rebound beau, John Mayer (who's reportedly since taken up with a new "Friend," Jennifer Aniston), and then when she hooked up with football star Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys, she was accused of cursing the Cowboys games she attended. And now it seems Jessica is the one who's truly cursed, as Us Weekly and Access Hollywood are both reporting that her public affair with Tony has come to an end.

This lovelife snafu could not have come at a worse time for Jessica, as it coincides with the rumored May 17 wedding of her little sister Ashlee to Fall Out Boy rocker Pete Wentz. Ashlee's own new album, Bittersweet World, may have been an even bigger sales failure than Jessica's last effort, but life has otherwise been anything but bittersweet for Ashlee, who's been flashing an ear-to-ear Chiclet grin in every paparazzi pic ever since she and Pete announced their engagement last month. Us also reports that Ash is preggers with a little fall out boy or girl, which may explain her perpetual rosy glow these days. The emo postercouple have yet to confirm that rumor, or the one about their wedding taking place this weekend at a "top secret" location, but Us claims the two will get hitched on Saturday...and that Tony Romo will NOT be among the wedding guests. Oh, poor Jessica. Always a bridesmaid...perhaps never again a bride. Here's hoping she learned a few good catching/tackling techniques from Tony, so she can put those moves to good use during Ashlee's bouquet toss.

Anyway, while the newly single Jessica distracts herself in Nashville by finishing up her first country music album, another country star is suffering from her own lovelife woes: Shania Twain has announced that her producer hubby Robert "Mutt" Lange is no longer "still the one," and that she is divorcing him after 14 years of marriage. Apparently Mutt don't impress her much anymore. The rock producer, known for twiddling sound-desk knobs for the likes of Def Leppard and Loverboy, has also produced all of his wife's monster-hit albums since let's hope her fans are still impressed by her post-divorce music once Mutt's no longer in charge. Otherwise she might end up with a flop album on her hands, too.

One female music star whose lovelife is going to go through a serious dry spell between now and 2016 (unless she is allowed conjugal visits from her fiancé, rapper Papoose) is Remy Ma: The hip-hop MC was sentenced to eight years in prison this week. Dang, that's seven more years than Lil' Kim got, but then again, Lil' Kim was only convicted of perjury. Remy, on the other hand, was convicted on assault, weapon possession, and attempted coercion charges for shooting her friend during an argument. Papoose--who had planned to marry Remy last weekend in a very un-Simpson-like ceremony at Rikers Island jail, but was denied after showing up with a handcuff key--took the news just as hard as Remy herself. He shouted, "Lock me up! Lock me up!" to court officers (presumably he wanted to be locked up with his boo) before being escorted straight out of the courthouse. Sources close to the couple tell reporters that Remy and Papoose still plan to marry--so who knows, maybe Remy's lovelife will still be more active than poor Jessica's after all.

And on other troubled-female/prison news, oft-divorced/locked-up pop star Britney Spears was in another minor fender-bender this week (thankfully not nearly as serious as the car wreck that claimed the life of gospel singer Dottie Rambo last Sunday). Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, Amy Winehouse (whose husband, "Blake Incarcerated" Fielder-Civil, remains in jail) escaped from being charged with drug possession this week. So how did Amy celebrate her freedom? By hitting the town with her recently imprisoned party pal, Pete Doherty, of course! Wow, it's nice to see Amy has a stable man in her life to take Blake's place, huh? Seriously, she'd probably be better off hanging out with K-Fed. Or Papoose!

And thus concludes another amusing and bemusing week in music news. Come back next Friday for more headspinning headlines, and until then, goodnight and good music.


1) The End Of A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have reportedly split.

2) Pete Wentz To Dance, Dance At Wedding This Weekend? - Rumor has it he's marrying Ashlee Simpson on Saturday.

3) Shania Dogs Mutt - Twain and Lange are officially divorcing.

4) Remy Ma Goes Directly To Jail - The rapper is sentenced to eight years behind bars.

5) New "Thriller" Available At Library - Michael Jackson's landmark album is declared a national treasure by the Library Of Congress.

6) Dottie Rambo Dies - The gospel legend is tragically killed in a car wreck.

7) Eddy Arnold Dies As Well - Another legend, country singer Eddy, passes away at age 89.

8) Britney's Rear End Makes News Again - Spears is involved in yet another car accident.

9) Winehouse Not Going To The Big House - Drug charges against rehab-resistant Brit diva Amy are dropped.

10) The Soul Patrol Invades Broadway - Taylor Hicks lands a part in Grease.

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