Stop The Presses!

May 26-June 2: Oh, Baby!

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Celebrity bumpwatching has become something of a national pastime in America. Seems nowadays if a pop starlet so much as drinks a bloat-inducing soda or embraces a new fashion fad that involves empire waistlines, every blog and celebrity tabloid races to publish paparazzi pics of her "pooch" and announces that she's well into her third trimester. And pretty much the instant any it-girl is spotted in public canoodling on a first date, gun-jumping gossip columns predict that she and her new love interest will be registering at the Right Start any day now. (Frankly, we're surprised such rumors have yet to surface about American Idols David Cook and Kimberly Caldwell, who went out to dinner ONCE and are now supposed an "item.")

And then, when celebs like Jennifer Lopez or Christina Aguilera do officially announce that they have buns in their ovens, the media goes into pregnancy-patrol overdrive, detailing everything from these A-listers' $2,000 Bugaboo strollers, designer maternity wear, and platinum-plated Tiffany baby rattles to their Pilates postpartum shape-up routines.

Well, this week the press once again had babies on the brain--although this time, it was with pretty good reason. First, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz confirmed longstanding shotgun-wedding-centric rumors that yes, Ashlee is preggers with a little Fall Out boy or girl of her very own. So, congratulations to the happy couple. We believe their baby registry is listed at Hot Topic...

However, news of Ash and Pete's incubating bundle of joy was nothing compared to the gibungous bundle of news that another Idol, Clay Aiken, dropped on us this week. OK, faint-of-heart/stomach readers, we hope you're sitting down for this doozy: Clay Aiken is going to be a father. Of a baby. A baby being carried by a woman. A woman named...Jaymes.

Allow us to explain. We know this report must be shocking to even the most hardened That's Really Week reader. Clay's late-fortysomething producer/roommate/"best friend" Jaymes Foster-Levy (sister of famous record producer David Foster) is reportedly gestating with baby-makin' Aiken's spawn...and for those of you who must know the gory details, Jaymes apparently conceived Clay's baby via artificial insemination. Clay is planning to be actively involved in the child-molding (pun intended) process.

We here at That's Really Week are rarely at a loss for words. But seriously, we don't know what to say here. Feel free to add your own thoughts on the message board conveniently located below. Because we are seriously speechless.

Moving on...in other baby-related news, youngest Hanson brother Zac became a father for the first time, at the ripe old age of 22 (those Hanson bros start basically right after their 21st birthdays, presumably to create enough musicians to form a new Hanson when, Menudo-style, the original Hansons get too old to keep mmmbopping). Meanwhile, Madonna finally got her controversial adoption of little David Banda approved by the Malawian government. (People, don't preach--she's made up her mind and she's keeping her baby.)

Congrats to both these proud parents.

However, troubled babymama Britney Spears, who is fighting to regain custody of her own babies, Sean Preston and Jayden James, may have to wait a little longer: It's doubtful she'll be able to hash things out in family court too easily when her own court-appointed probate attorney, Samuel Ingham, just told a Los Angeles Superior Court commissioner that she's not yet fit to participate in court proceedings in her conservatorship case. Britney's probate case is scheduled to go to trial July 31, but Sammy said it could be "harmful" for her to participate because of ongoing medical conditions.

So it looks like it might be a while before Britney no longer has to answer to her conservator father, Jamie Spears--or before she gets her boys back from their father, K-Fed.

In other legal/governmental news, R. Kelly's trial continues apace (it's still not looking too good for him); the Cuyahoga County coroner ruled that R&B singer Sean Levert's sudden March 2008 death was due to natural causes; and Secretary of State (and apparent newbie Kiss Army recruit) Condoleezza Rice was "thrilled" to meet Gene Simmons and Kiss at a Swedish hotel this week; and Amy Winehouse is set to perform next month at a London concert honoring former South African president Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday.

Amy's not exactly the greatest spokeslady for world peace, given her tendency to engage in violent bar brawls,

so let's just hope she doesn't jump out of a (rum) cake or try to do some drunken Marilyn Monroe-serenading-JFK impression at the Mandela shindig. That would be awkward. And possibly kind of gross. Also, let's hope Amy doesn't call him "My Nelson (formerly) incarcerated!" in any birthday speeches she slurs.

And finally, speaking of London, this week 1,000 alt-rock fans will march on the London offices of U.K. newspaper The Daily Mail, to protest the paper's outrageous claim that emo band My Chemical Romance had anything to do with the recent suicide of emo-loving British teen Hannah Bond. We send our condolences to the entire Bond family, of course, and send our kudos to the marching pro-emo soldiers who are speaking out against such scapegoating.

And thus concludes another amusing, bemusing, and sometimes confusing week in music news. Come back next Friday for more headspinning headlines, and until then, goodnight and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Clay's Foster Child - Clay Aiken has reportedly impregnated his executive producer, Jaymes Foster.

2) "Sugar, We're Goin' Down...To Babies 'R' Us" - Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are also expecting.

3) R. Kelly's Trial Continues - Apparently there is something wrong with a little bump 'n' grind, if it's caught on tape.

4) Skip Court, Baby, One More Time - Britney Spears's lawyer says she's not fit to stand trial.

5) The Hanson Family Expands - Baby brother Zac now has a baby of his own.

6) Madonna's Little Lucky Star - Malawi toddler David Banda can now be officially adopted by the Material Mom.

7) Sean Levert Autopsy Results Released - The coroner says the R&B crooner died of natural causes.

8) London's Black Parade - A thousand My Chemical Romance fans plan a protest in the U.K.

9) Amy Says Yes, Yes, Yes To Nelson Mandela - Winehouse will perform at the South African hero's 90th birthday concert. (Please, Amy, do NOT flake on Mandela, OK?)

10) Kiss Is On Condoleezza's List - Secretary of State Rice cozies up to Gene Simmons at a Swedish hotel.

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