Stop The Presses!

Oct. 1-8: K-Fed, Radiohead, And The Not-Dead

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Well, it was nice while it lasted. The absence of any Britney Spears news from this column, that is.

Frankly, we were kind of getting sick of blogging about Brit's bizness week after week after friggin' week. So when, incredibly, nothing she did managed to make our top 10 headlines list in last week's blog, we got all excited. We were actually hoping to go for a personal best, and have TWO WHOLE WEEKS IN A ROW of Britney-free bliss. But of course, that was just a pipedream. Because there's NO way we can ignore what went down in Britney's continually crumbling world this week. To not write about her now would be shirking our journalistic duty!

So this week Britney leaked her new "Gimme More" video, in which she cleans up her act by playing a "good girl." That is, a good girl who goes to a strip club and watches a "bad girl" version of herself pole-dance. Um, OK, whatever. 

Perhaps the "Gimme More" video's leak was deliberate, to distract the public from the real Britney story this week: that Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon--the very same judge who only two weeks ago ordered Britney to undergo random drug testing--granted physical custody of Britney's two beleaguered boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James, to her infamous ex-husband Kevin Federline. Furthermore, Britney's future visits with her kids will be supervised. Wow. You know, we really thought Britney had hit rock bottom with that whole VMA mess. But if being a deemed a more unfit parent than onetime national laughingstock K-Fed isn't rock bottom, then we don't know what is. And frankly, we don't want to know.

We here at That's Really Week never dreamed we'd become full-fledged members of Team K-Fed, but we really do have applaud Judge Gordon's decision in this case. Kevin may not be Father Of The Year, and there may or may not be financial motives behind his custody battle (note that he never sought full guardianship of his two kids with his decidedly less solvent babymama, Shar Jackson). But at least Kevin is rarely spotted partying these days, and at least when he is seen in public, he's always wearing underwear! Anyway, keep in mind that under U.S. law, custody is awarded to the parent who has the "best interests of the child" in mind (although, as Hollywood divorce lawyer Raoul Felder wryly points out, "With a lot of celebrities, that bar is pretty low"). So K-Dad (as he is now sometimes affectionately known, although we prefer the nickname Papa-zao) is definitely a better option here. Who'd a thunk?

OK, enough about that mess. Too many precious pixels of column space in this "music" blog are too often monopolized by ProTooled pop stars who couldn't sing their way out of even the most tissue-thin of paper bags. But that's just the way it is--sadly, it's the Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson types who usually make headlines, not the Thom Yorkes of the world. Until now! Yes, Radiohead are all over the news this week, making bona fide music-biz history by announcing that their looooonnnnng-awaited seventh studio album, In Rainbows, will be available for download next week on an OK computer near you. What's the history-making part of this historical move? It's the band's decision to let fans name their price when buying the album. Yep, Radiohead-heads, you read that correctly: You could pay 50 dollars, 50 cents...or if you're a greedy schmuck with no moral compass or appreciation for real art, you could pay nothing at all! Such a deal.
Most Radiohead fans, however, will probably shell out some suitable amount in the 50-cent-to-50-dollar range, and if those fans do so in droves, it really could revolutionize the entire music industry. Gee, if only Kevin Federline had come up with this genius business marketing tactic when he released Playing With Fire...

Anyhoo, in other credible/legendary-musician news, we are pleased and relieved to announce that reports of Ian MacKaye's death have been greatly exaggerated. Rumors that the former Minor Threat/Fugazi frontman, Dischord Records founder, and all-around emo/punk godfather had died ran rampant on MySpace and Wikipedia this week, as part of some sick cyberprank. And though the story, which claimed Ian was fatally struck by a car outside a New Jersey nightclub after a Fugazi gig, was riddled with glaring inaccuracies (Fugazi have been inactive for some time; the club where Ian supposedly played does not exist; there is no reason why Ian would be rushed to a hospital 150 miles away in Baltimore), that of course didn't stop this gossip from spreading like a particularly infectious rash. So let's nip this rumor in the bud once and for all: IAN MACKAYE IS ALIVE AND WELL. Quit flooding MySpace's bulletin boards with your filthy lies, people!

Finally, to preserve the integrity of this week's uncharacteristically highbrow column, we'll continue not with news on the latest Courtney Love feud, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson's ongoing war of monosyllabic words, or the upcoming Spice Girls tour (click on the links below for those stories), but with a report on seminal Seattle band Green River. Who are Green River, you ask? Oh, only the group that spawned Pearl Jam and Mudhoney, that's all. The original sundry members of Green River (Pearl Jam's Stone Gossard and Jeff Ament, Mudhoney's Mark Arm and Steve Turner, Mother Love Bone/Love Battery's Bruce Fairweather, and Alex Shumway) have confirmed they will play together for the first time since 1993, as part of Sub Pop Records' 20th anniversary show next summer. This is historical stuff, readers, since Green River were arguably the first "grunge" band! Yes, we suppose that means without Green River there'd be no Puddle Of Mudd, Creed, Days Of The New, Hinder, or Our Lady Peace...but try not to hold that against them, OK? It's not Green River's fault. How could they have known?

And last but definitely not least, we'll conclude with a shout-out to another genuinely credible musician, Isaac from Hanson. (Yes, Hanson. Yo, they play their own instruments, write their own songs, and their harmonies are like buttah, all right? Don't hate.) Hanson's eldest mmmbopping brother was hospitalized this week with a pulmonary embolism--this is not a MySpace rumor, this is unfortunately 100 percent true--and we are deeply concerned. This is not us being ironic here. We are really worried.

Get well soon, Ike! We'll be watching your performance below, shot a couple years ago during happier times in the Y! Music studio, and thinking of you...

  

THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:

1) Take My Babies, One More Time - Britney Spears loses custody of her sons.

2) The Price Is Right - Fans can pay whatever they want for the new Radiohead album.

3) Isaac Hanson Hospitalized - The oldest Hanson brother suffers an embolism.

4) Long Live Ian MacKaye - Despite rumors to the contrary, the Fugazi punk legend has not died.

5) Spice Girls: Total Sellouts - What fans want, what they really really want, are Spice Girls reunion tour tickets.

6) Was Pamela Anderson Kid-ing? - Her ex-husband Kid Rock claims she lied about her miscarriage.

7) Urban, Sprawled - "Where The Blacktop Ends" singer Keith Urban is involved in a minor motorcycle accident.

8) Malaysia Not Ready For Beyonce's Jelly - The booty-shaking singer's Kuala Lumpur concert is called off.

9) Take Me To The River - Seminal Seattle rockers Green River plan to reunite.

10) No Love Lost - Sharon Osbourne calls Courtney Love a "has-been" and a "virus."

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