Stop The Presses!

Oct. 15-22: Girl Power!

Lyndsey Parker
Stop The Presses!

Oh, Britney...what are we going to do with you? Um, we're going to write about you, that's what. Yes, it was another banner week for Britney Spears, who turned herself into police on Monday to face charges of hit-and-run and driving without a valid license; had her parental visitation rights suspended in family court Thursday; and allegedly drove over a paparazzo's foot on Friday. So, just a typical week for Britters, then--give or take a random head-shaving or panty-forgetting incident. Seriously, we could have just copied and pasted an old Britney paragraph that ran in this column a few weeks ago, and no one would've noticed the difference. Really, how many innovative ways can we devise to blog about Brit's endlessly downward-spiralling life? We wish she'd get her act together already, not just for poor little Jayden James and Sean Preston's sake, but for our sake, so we can finally have something new to write. Our thesaurus is pretty much tapped out at this point.

OK, moving on to another pop diva, who--though almost certainly much more talented than Britney--seems to garner an almost equal amount of tabloid ink for her offstage exploits these days. We're talking about the infamously rehab-rejecting Amy Winehouse, who was arrested along with her husband in Norway this week for marijuana possession. Now, we're not sure if Amy's antics (a recent drug overdose, bloody public fights with her hubby, countless concert no-shows, carving her husband's name into in her abdomen with a shard of glass) are why she's no longer performing the theme to the next James Bond film, but certainly all this misbehavior can't be helping her career. Now it's looking like the new 007 song might be recorded by Finnish melodramatic metalheads H.I.M.--featuring the similarly scrawny and tattooed but slightly more dependable Ville Valo--instead. (See Amy and Ville's separated-at-birth photos above.) Oh, tsk tsk, Amy. When are you going to say "yes, yes, yes" already?

And finally, let's finish with some news on Britney's pop proto-peers and Amy's fellow Brits, the Spice Girls. You know, the Spices really never get the respect they deserve. Sure, they may not have Amy's powerhouse pipes...but, unlike Amy, they've never gotten caught up in a drug scandal. And, unlike Britney, they always wear underwear in public! Which might explain why, in what may be a stroke of true marketing genius, they've inked a deal to sell their upcoming best-of album exclusively at Victoria's Secret stores. Yes, first Paul McCartney released records with Starbucks, Madonna signed for $120 million with LiveNation, and Radiohead gave away their album for free online...and now the Spice Girls are joining these esteemed artists in 2007's paradigm-shifting, music-biz revolution. GIRL POWER!

All right, that's it for now, but do come back next Friday for more confusing, bemusing, excitement-oozing music news (most likely involving Britney in some way). Until then, goodnight, and good music.

THIS WEEK'S TOP STORIES:

1) Oops, She Did It Again - Yanked visitation rights, a paparazzi car accident, a visit to a police station... yep, just another week in the life of Britney.

2) T.I. Is MIA At The BETs - The rapper gets arrested, misses awards show.

3) A Record By Any Other Name, Just As Sweet? - Nas's new album title creates a firestorm of controversy.

4) Get The Led Out! - Zeppelin tunes will finally be available for download.

5) Victoria Beckham's Secret - The Spice Girls' greatest-hits album will only be for sale at a certain lingerie shop.

6) Diddy Goes Clubbing? - The hip-hop mogul is under investigation regarding a SoHo nightclub assault.

7) Amy Winehouse's Career Goes To Pot - The troubled diva is arrested for marijuana possession.

8) Feds Follow Death Cab For Cutie Into The Dark - Their guitarist Chris Walla's hard drive--along with his unreleased solo album--is seized by U.S. Border Patrol.

9) Clay Aiken Gives His Regards To Broadway - The Idol joins the cast of Spamalot.

10) The Spy Who Loved H.I.M. - Finnish "love metal" band H.I.M. may record the next James Bond theme.

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