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The 10 Worst Albums of 2007

It seems as though my best 100 albums of 2007 list really got under the skin of the prepubescent masses. When a list can garner hundreds of comments that say things like "tha list is gay big time. i listen to all sorts of music n never heard one of these idiots!",  "if its not hip-hop or r&b it sucks period, this list sucks donkey ballz" and "WHO EVER ROTE DIZ LIST IS A [profane] DAT DON`T LISTEN 2 MUSIC" I get that warm and fuzzy feeling only a job well done can provide.

So to continue stirring the hornets nest I offer this collection of the ten most worthless albums of 2007.

10.   Zeitgeist by Smashing Pumpkins
It's sad to see a legendary band who has created timeless and important albums call it quits, only to return with such a half-hearted effort. Billy just could not get it done with Zwan or as a solo artist, so he's pathetically grasping for his past on Zeitgeist. I'm afraid the spark that made the Pumpkins a great band fizzled out long ago. The political angst of old Corgan is just not as immediate or real as the universal angst of the young Corgan. Zeitgeist is a low-budget cartoon version of the Smashing Pumpkins.

9.   One For All by Peter Criss
Q: Is there any song worse on the planet to cover than "Send In The Clowns" by Stephen Sondheim? A: No
Well, the worst singing drummer on the planet has included the song on his new album, One For All, and it sounds much like the dying cries of a retarded feral cat. I actually shed a tear of sympathy for Mr. Criss as I listened to this abominable pile of cowplop. Peter, it's ok to give up the business, you've already made your mark. You should be able to make a fine living appearing at Kiss conventions, so please do us all a favor -- don't listen to the voices in your head the next time they ask for another solo album.

8.   Minutes To Mignight by Linkin Park
Its official! Linkin Park has officially run out of ideas! Unfortunately for us, this fact has not stopped them from creating another album of overproduced, boring, turn of the century nu-rock. If you're a music teacher it may have some value in helping your class identify alternative rock clichés. If you're not a teacher, but a fan, I order you to replace Minutes To Midnight immediately with The Stooges Fun House. Your future depends on it.

7.  Underclass Hero by Sum 41
Sum 41 recently saw the departure of guitarist Dave Baksh, and he took the band's balls with him. Underclass Hero finds the group giving up any hint of metal power in favor of Disney channel aesthetics. This is simplistic, formulaic bile; another album of bar chords in 4/4 added to the already crowded world of sissy punk.

6.  Good Morning Revival by Good Charlotte
Early in their young career Good Charlotte's brand of strip mall punk rock was cute, like a little fuzzy ducky with an eyebrow ring and bad hair color. But they've lost even this small bit of appeal. Good Morning Revival finds them regurgitating boy band pop music with electric guitars (but without the hooks). I'd rather listen to live cows being ground into hamburger with electric cheese graters.

5.   Good Girl Gone Bad by Rihanna
Rihanna is over Pro-Tooled music for club kids, developed by corporate forces who are scrambling to produce and shove the most ringtoneable beats down the throats of today's youth. The fact that millions love Good Girl Gone Bad reflects the sad state of affairs popular music is in. Keep your umbrella Rihanna, I'd much rather get wet.

4.  Unbreakable by Backstreet Boys
Four Backstreet Boys are back as grown men. They have not lost their voices, which I will not argue are good ones. But if Unbreakable was a cheese, it would be the most processed kind. Not Velveeta, but some unrecognized brand that has not a single natural ingredient. Sensitive, overblown piano ballads collide with outdated dance numbers that sound like lost Rick Astley B-sides.

3.  Brave by Jennifer Lopez
If there was ever an album where it sounded like the artist was just going through the motions, this is it. I'm not a big fan of manufactured pop music, but I can recognize a good song when I hear one, and not one exists on Brave. Her music has always been akin to a comet. It burns brightly for a brief moment in time only to disappear and be forgotten as quickly as it came, but Brave does not even give us that initial one time sugar rush. Just a stomach ache and a bit of gas.

   This Is Forever by She Wants Revenge
The new She Wants Revenge record finds the duo trying hard to sound like Bauhaus, but failing miserably. The boring repetition, devoid of any meaningful musical ideas, helps lull you into a complete state of astonishment. The "WTF?" kind of astonishment that only the very worst can produce. This is a band that cannot even make a blatant rip off sound good.

1.   Souljaboytellem.com by Soulja Boy
This has got to be the most immature, amateurish, ridiculous excuse for an "album" that I've heard in a long time. Soulja Boy brings new meaning to the word lazy. The production and rapping is some of the most indolent you'll ever hear. Cheesy keyboard loops, super-simplistic beats and repetitious samples lay the foundation for Soulja Boy to repeat his childish lyrics over, and over, and over, and over again.  The fact that Soulja Boy made it to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 with "Crank That" makes me very sad indeed. 

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